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MISCONCEPTIONS OF LOVE

For centuries, humankind has yearned, searched, and sought to understand the gravity of such powerful emotion called ‘LOVE.’ Many people have killed, lied, and done despicable things all in the name of or pretense of Love. Individuals have gotten heartbroken and hurt because of things done to them in ‘love.’ Some have lowered their standards and succumbed to pressure under a love which makes me wonder; is this Love or an illusion? After in-depth research, I have identified four emotions that are majorly confused or mistaken for as LOVE, and they are lust, admiration, infatuation, and commitment. 

Among these four emotions, lust is the strongest. It is mainly found in age-groups 27-45; now although youths between 18-26 have more sexual fantasies, the main action located between the earlier age group, showing that lust has no age. Lust is having a strong desire mostly sexually related to a person, people, or thing. This emotion has led to most marital discord because it is just attraction skin deep. It is not real; instead, it is based mostly on physical attributes and appearance; marriage cannot be built on such fickle foundations. 

  Lust can be identified by asking personal questions like Do I fantasize about sexual relations with that person often? Do I only want to see that person looking their best only? Have I noticed any other quality, either good or bad, apart from their appearance? If the honest answers are yes, yes, and no, then there is a problem because what you are experiencing or feeling is lust, not Love. Now, what is Love?

Love is a deep feeling of attachment or affection a person has towards another. It is also the passionate affection that constitutes the emotional incentives that lead to sexual relationships between individuals. However, note that other emotions like anger, hate, sadness, loyalty, and lust are also high contributing factors that can lead to sex, not only love. So do not mistake sexual cravings for Love.

An essential aspect of Love is unselfishness. This is the constant and sincere concern towards the welfare of others. Although principles guide genuine Love, it is important to note that there can be useful and unhealthy principles classified as Love, too, although it’s dark. An excellent example of Love is the affection a mother has for her newborn child. In contrast, the love gang/cult members have for each other can be classified as dark because that Love does not seek the long-term benefit of their reciprocate; instead, it’s detrimental. 

Now love, although honest, can be misguided, and seen in the case of parents who spoil their kids with so many material possessions and little or no discipline; this Love, although pure, is sentimental and disastrous. Another example of misguided Love is remaining in a relationship with an abusive partner. No matter how much you love your partner, you should not endure or stay in an abusive relationship because Love does not seek to hurt; instead, it builds up; it is firm, honest and kind. 

True Love is beautiful. It motivates you to allow your loved ones, hold on to their principles rather than try to weaken it for selfish and personal desires. An excellent example of this is premarital sex. If your partner chooses to have sexual relations after marriage, then True Love is what makes you actively support your partner to achieve that. Individuals who say, “if you love me, you will prove it to me by having sex with me” are manipulators, and they do not truly love you.

  Having Love in your heart is one thing, but appropriately expressing them is about very important. Love is not just an outward expression, it reflects the total inner person, strong emotions and the state of the mind. If the mind is not thoroughly equipped with information about True Love and how it acts, then Love could be expressed in the wrong way and manner. Finally, Love does not brag or degrade others; it is selfless, not jealous; it is kind, enduring, firm, and forgiving.

Now that we can adequately identify Love, we can pick out lust, admiration, commitment, and infatuation from the real deal. These emotions are found in everyone; only love is cultivated because it is based on solid foundations, not mere attributes that can quickly fade. Before getting into a relationship, do not be deceived into thinking that you choose to date your partner because you are in Love with the person NO! Love is cultivated overtime; you decided to get into the relationship because you saw qualities that passed your red flag list (this will be discussed in my next article). While dating try to broaden your mind to cover all these facets in your love, then your relationship will be long-lasting. Finally, self-love in appropriate degrees is not selfish, you need to love yourself first nobody will do that for you but obsessive self-love is disastrous and wrong; it repels people from you.

I hope this article was helpful and insightful,

Please read my next article.

It’s your girl Vdina. 

Effects Of The Covid-19 Pandemic On Our Daily Life

Almost every news media in the country has been discussing about the economic impact of the Covid-19 Pandemic which includes the unemployment rate, fall in stocks, scarcity of essential products and so on. True this impact has been devastating but it also seems that one crucial aspect that has been affected by the pandemic which has been forgotten or bypassed is our ‘daily life’.

There is a beautiful park I frequent that’s popular among locals and tourists for it’s scenery, facilities and size. During this time of the year, parents bring their toddlers and kids to the water park section of the park and their joyful shouts can be heard from a mile away. This park has also served as venues for graduation parties, family picnics, romantic dates, photo shoots and movie filming location. However, as I walk through the park today, I realize that this once booming park is now a shadow of it’s former self. I can’t help but miss the joy, laughter and happiness that usually radiates from here. This Covid-19 pandemic has stripped various families and individuals of this joy.

One of my many hobbies is dining in various restaurants, trying different menus, comparing prices and eating with my friends. Thanks to Covid-19 Pandemic, some resturants have shut down and large chain restaurants only allow takeouts and drive through. As I drive downtown, I can’t help but reminisce on all the good times we ( my friends and I) shared in those resturants. Back then those joys seemed mundane but thinking about it now, those were the very spices that flavoured our lives and I’m glad we had those times together.

Nail salons , hair salons and sneaker shops are places that magically make many happy. These stores serve various purposes to different people and they are usually the busiest stores downtown. However, due to the pandemic, these shops have closed down taking away the joy they provide to people.

Although all this could not be helped and we can only help each other by staying apart I can’t help but appreciate all the good times I got to spend with my loved ones and regret all the times I picked up an excuse to avoid an outing with friends. I’m sure most of us feel the same way too.

In this unprecedented pandemic humans have come to value and appreciate the true meaning of friendship, the value of physical interactions not just social media. We have come to love and see the little joys we derive from our daily life, we are now opening ourselves to new possibilities and adventures rather than excluding ourselves with the usual title of introverts.

2020 has taught us a great lesson and changed our mindset hopefully positively. As soon as it’s safe to, let’s meet up with friends and families. Dump the excuses people!

What Does Social Distancing Mean To You?

The year 2020 has brought a whole new dynamic system to us. Rather than the usual hustling and bustling of our fast-paced world, we are now confronted with a dull, slow-paced and virtual world. With the mandatory self-isolation and lockdown in the United States, there has been different reactions from various people.

In fact there has been various Instagram life coaches posting videos telling people how to live their lives in this lockdown period. What is wrong with that? You may ask.

Well, these coaches forget that as our faces are different so is our circumstances and problems. Some people are enjoying this lockdown, they see it as an opportunity to bond with family, take a much needed rest, explore new skills, kick start their online business and other self improvement skills which is beautiful but on the other hand, some people are in agony for various reasons which could be family issues, poverty, loneliness, depression e.t.c. For some leaving the house daily was a source of escape from family issues, for kids with abusive parents school was a safe haven and school food served as the only source of food for some kids and now all that is gone. What do you think Social distancing would mean for these ones?

The point is, there is no particular template for you to live in this conditions. Trying to emulate lifestyles on social media can only results in depression or frustrations.

I do not know what social distancing/ self-isolation mean to you but the principle here is that no matter what situations you are experiencing, choose to be happy. No matter how little, do something for YOU daily that makes you feel accomplished and happy. Try to develop a hobby or try something you’ve always had at the back of your mind. Rather than await the end of this lockdown desperately, try to enjoy this quiet-paced world in your own way.

This is to wishing all of you happiness no matter your circumstances during this pandemic. Remember! no matter what you experience from a third party, no one should have power over your emotions. Only you have power over how you choose to feel.

It’s ur gal Vdina.

Hitting Reset

This is a very important article for people to read. We all live in a stress-filled world hitting reset is very important.

Defining Yellow

We all need to at one point or another, and I don’t mean deciding to stay in your room all day watching Netflix. I mean when you take a good look at yourself and the way you spend your time and thoughts, and resetting your priorities. 

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How To Adult Like A Boss!

Adulting! Can be quite challenging for many young adults and who can blame them? Adulting comes with so many new challenges and burdens everyday. The stress can be so overwhelming that your constantly on the verge of giving up! That is why many adults who have left home and seem to be in control of their lives end up returning back to their family homes because they are overwhelmed. This article will give you tips on how to adult like a boss.

  • Time Management: This is very important as time is of essence. Time is limited and if you do not plan your time well you will end up wasting valuable time on trivial matters. Try to at least itemize various things you would like to achieve in a day. If you are schooling and working you would need to set out time for these two aspects of your life to avoid having an overload.
  • Procrastination: This is extremely dangerous because it makes you postpone important matters to a later sometimes impossible date. This has led to an increase in stress, workload and the frustration of many adults. Remember, procrastination is only an immediate excuse to make you feel better for abandoning your work.
  • Money Management: Nothing is more aggravating than having debts to pay. Most times you could live your life debt-free but due to lack of self-control, greed and lack of contentment, people continue to live above their means and that is why they are constantly working overtime to pay up. Cultivate these qualities and you would save a lot of money.
  • Smart Savers: If your family lives in the same town where you school and work it’s better to live with them if your single. It makes no sense to rent an apartment when you could live with them and save tons of money. People feel that leaving alone is a big sign of independence but here’s a news breaker ” independence don’t pay your debts” if you want to save money this is a smart way to do it. If you really want to set boundaries in the house, you could start paying rent in the family house and then you could set as much boundaries as you want.
  • You-time: Many youths exhaust themselves working, schooling, parenting and taking care of sick relatives that they forget the importance of a “me-time”. I can not over emphasize the importance of taking care of yourself. If your not healthy you can’t take care of others so learn to take out time to relax, hang out with friends, travel and rejuvenate again.

Adulting is really stressful but it’s an important part of life. If you can just take a break to let these advice sink in you would be adulting like a boss in no time.

This is to all hardworking youths all over the world trying to balance their responsibilities and still get back some of their lives. Your all winging it well. I hope this article really helps you enjoy Adulting because you would be doing it for a very very long time.

Its your gal Vdina.

RED FLAGS IN RELATIONSHIPS

WHEN AND HOW SHOULD THEY BE NOTICED?

Everybody talks about red flags but the rising rate of broken relationships and marriages shows that nobody looks out for them. So the question is when and how should red flags be noticed? Before recognizing red flags, you should work on yourself first, get to know your likes and turnoffs, honestly itemize your strengths, weaknesses and bad habits. Work on your attitude and behavioral patterns, improve your relationships with people, control your emotions; stop deceiving yourself by saying I’m keeping it real NO! keeping it real does not mean you should let your emotions control your actions and speech like a raging bull out of control.

When you have properly worked on yourself, then you would have to itemize your red flags; that is signs that the individual would not be a good match for you. When doing this you would have to be realistic, do not expect a fairy tale perfect partner because this is reality. So rather than trying to find a perfect person try making a list of qualities that crosses out your weaknesses and fortifies your strengths. Now you are ready! The question now is when do you look out for them? Red flags are better seen with lust free eyes. Emotions cloud your senses and makes you susceptible to low standards and qualities you are not compatible with. This is serious because those emotions tend to clear up after marriage and that has led to many unhappy and broken relationships today.

Now there are a lot of prospective partners out there and most of them are usually around us. For instance, your fellow gym members, apartment neighbor, the neighbor down the street, your work colleague, or even someone you bump into daily while grabbing your early morning coffee. The point is that if you take a minute to think and look around you, you will find that you are surrounded by people and you could end up being in a relationship with one of them. There is a game you should play in your head that will help you practice checking out your red flag list. Now we all know that we end up making excuses for those we like so before you go out on a date with someone and end up forgetting about your red flag list it is important that you play this game. In the preceding paragraphs, we talked about people around you so as soon as you get friendly with a person, watch and observe them from a distance, watch how they interact with people, their attitudes to things and of course your turnoffs. If several of these individuals from a distance got an A+ on your red flag list, never let the interaction leave the friendship stage. However, if someone passes your list keep the person in your potential partner list. I am not saying that you should go around fantasizing about people who passes the test NO! This is just a way to guard and prepare yourself for future relationships.

Another avenue people meet prospective partners is through online dating. Various apps have created opportunities for people to connect with various individuals all over the world for the purpose of dating. This is a popular means of dating and many people have found their love partners through this means. Since people are not usually what they portray themselves to be, here are some general red flags to watch out for.

  • COMMUNICATION: People make out time for what’s important to them, so if your new partner is not creating enough time to communicate with you, that is a red flag.
  • ATTITUDE: People are what they say. During communication, watch what they say and how they talk to you and about others. Is the person petty, rude, a bragger, dismisses your concerns and emotions? Do they try to put you first or do you get the leftover of their time and attention? Can you pour your concerns to this person without feeling like you are having a voice recording rather than a conversation?
  • INSTINCTS: Never dismiss your instincts and conscience because they are your compass that guides you in life. If your instincts makes you uncomfortable around a person, do not suppress it rather watch out for signs that you might have ignored earlier.
  • FIANCES: Money is a very important aspect of a relationship so you would want to really take your time to consider this aspect. Money management is a skill not everyone has and this has nothing to do with the income size of the person. A person who can not manage his monthly three figure pay would still not be content with a monthly six figure pay. Also generosity has nothing to do with the size of their income. A generous person is a giver but a stingy person finds it hard to give even when there is an abundance. Do not be with a person who spends extravagantly, or is extremely stingy. A person who is obsessive with money is also a bad partner because that person would not spend time with you which is important rather they are more interested in acquiring more wealth. Remember find a person who balances their money needs perfectly with their life.
  • RESPECT: They say respect is reciprocal. Its important to find a person who respects you, your values and beliefs. Trust, honesty and communication are the basis for a strong relationship make sure it is included in yours too.

Just as our faces are different so are our needs, wants and desires. I know this article may not carter to all your specific needs, but it is a great pointer in starting healthy relationships. Like I wrote earlier before going into a relationship work on yourself do not bring a half baked cake to the table. Ask yourself Can I date myself? Do not expect someone to deal with your hidden traumas, work on yourself first before you open up for a relationship.

Here’s to finding more compatible partners and having happy long lasting relationships.

It’s Your Girl Vdina.